Today, I want to share about how to remember your lost loved one this holiday season. I know for me, and many others, it is very important to do and oftentimes difficult to develop creative ways to do so.

My solution: light a remembrance candle

I did a lot of research on this last year and I found solution that was right for our family. I lit a candle in memory of my dad, and I placed it in the center of the dining room table and told everybody why the candle was lit. The candle that I have is a personalized pillar candle that reads, “This candle burns in loving memory of Captain Kendall Parsley, who is forever in our hearts.” And whenever I light this candle, I think about my dad and I know that he is forever with me.

“This candle burns in loving memory of Captain Kendall Parsley, who is forever in our hearts.”

Here are 4 other ways to remember your lost loved one during the holidays

1. Say a special blessing: we always like to say a prayer before eating, especially at Thanksgiving. My mom said a really beautiful blessing last year right before Thanksgiving dinner and I lead the prayer for Christmas dinner. We both said something similar like, “Dear Lord, thank you for bringing all of us together on this special day. We are thankful for the love around us, the family before us, and the love between us. We want to acknowledge loved ones who are not physically at this table today, specifically (insert loved ones names here). While we may struggle to understand, we know that you have a perfect plan, and we continue to lean on you during our time of sadness. Amen.”
2. Leave a seat open for your loved one: While I didn’t do this, I know others who physically leave a seat open for their departed loved one.
3. Make your loved one’s favorite dish: My dad always made a couple of his signature recipes for Thanksgiving. So last year, my mom and I were sure to make my dad’s sweet tea, cheese bowl, and sweet potato casserole. (Recipes to come tomorrow.)
4. Set aside some time for yourself: It will be a roller coaster of a day for you, and it is imperative to set aside some time for yourself. In the morning, I remember taking a couple of minutes to journal. And later in the day, I just couldn’t be at my mom’s house anymore, it was too hard for me, and so my husband, son and I left. Giving yourself permission to be alone is gold.

What ways have you remembered your lost loved one during the holidays? I would love to hear what has helped you!

Fish On,

Misti

For anyone who has lost a loved one, the holidays can be an extremely emotional time. Holidays can evoke even the deepest emotions that you have buried for far too long (guilty!). Oftentimes, I think the mentality can be to simply survive the holidays.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. It is a time of year in which you can spend time with loved ones without the hustle, bustle, and stress that Christmas can bring. My dad worked in a warehouse for 40 years, and he was always stressed out and so tired because he worked so much overtime during the holiday season. But Thanksgiving was always a happy time before the Christmas season kicked off the next day. My parents oftentimes hosted Thanksgiving, and my mom, dad and I were a well-oiled machine. My mom would be the head chef and my dad and I her soux chefs. She told us what to do, and my dad would stir the stuffing and cut up all the staples, while I set the table and made desserts. I  have so many great memories of Thanksgiving at our house.

And because of this, I was so nervous for my first Thanksgiving without my dad, and to be honest I am anxious just thinking about this Thanksgiving which is only a couple days away.

Here are 3 suggestions on how to survive the holidays from my experience:

1. Establish a plan: Even though you might not stick to it, I think it is important to establish a plan for that day. In your mind, think about what you will be doing at every step of the day. It might even be helpful to write it down. If you are able to visualize the day in your mind, it can help you not get caught off guard.
2. Prepare what you’re going to say: Now, there will probably be some people who will ask you about your loved one. And it can be helpful to practice what you are going to say and how you want that conversation to go. For instance, if someone asked me about my dad, I could say, “Thank you for asking about my dad. He really loved Thanksgiving, and we had so many great memories together on this day, so I am a little emotional thinking about that.” Now, there will also be people who will NOT ask about your loved one and that might evoke some negative emotions. I truly think people aren’t trying to be mean, they simply don’t want to cause you anymore pain or don’t know what to say. If you would like to talk about your loved one, and nobody has brought up your loss to you, I would probably say something like, “I am sure we are all thinking about it, and I just wanted to mention that I am thinking about my dad a lot and I am really thankful to all of you for your love and support during this sad time.” This will give your loved ones an opportunity to say something that they might have been thinking.
3. Leave yourself an out: In the morning, you might feel like you want to be around loved ones and then once you’re at a holiday party something could trigger you and you want to change your mind. If that happens to you, know that is very normal. I say, hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Maybe you drive separately so you can leave whenever you want. Then you don’t feel stuck and you know you are in charge. Or, if someone invites you for a holiday event you can say, “Please loosely hold this invitation for me. I would love to come, and appreciate the invite, but I am not sure how I will feel until the day comes.”

If you have some other suggestions on how to survive the holidays, I would love to hear them!

Fish On,

Misti

About Survivor Day

My Story

I thought it would be best to share my story of healing and hope through a video.

My Wish for You

If you have lost someone to suicide, please know that you are not alone. It can be hard to share your story, but I have found sharing to be such a healing process. My dad’s legacy lives through me, and I am honored to have the responsibility of ensuring that while there was meaning in his life, there will be meaning in his death as well.

“It can be hard to share your story, but I have found sharing to be such a healing process.”

And if you know someone who has been through a suicide loss, my wish is that you are able to be a good listener of the stories your loved one wants to tell. A caring friend or family member can make a world of difference.

Fish On,

Misti

 

 

When a loved one passes away, and you enter into a season of grief, it can be hard to know what to do next. You might be thinking, “How do I go on?” or “When will I start feeling like my old self?”

For people like me who always like to have a plan in place, here are four simple steps to help you through those early stages of grief when you simply don’t know what else to do.

During this time, all you have to do is REST:

R – Re-hydrate: Make sure you are drinking half your body weight in ounces of water each day. Hydration has a major effect on energy levels and brain function. I actually love drinking water, but I know many people who don’t. If drinking water is something hard for you to do, perhaps add lemon or other fruit to your water. I keep a bottle of water on my desk at all times and constantly sip throughout the day. The sips really add up!

E – Exercise & Eat: The last thing you probably want to do while grieving is to exercise and eat well (or at all). However, I have found that getting some type of exercise, even if it is just a walk around the block on a nice day, or 20 minutes on the treadmill has really helped me clear my  head. And when it comes to eating, the last thing I wanted to do was go grocery shopping and prepare any type of meal, especially a healthy one. Thankfully, my coworkers chipped in and gave me numerous gift cards to local restaurants such as Panera, Bob Evans, Chipotle, and Applebee’s with a card that read, “No cooking. No cleaning. No worries.” This meant so much to me, and was really a lifesaver thrown out to me in my darkest days of grief. While I didn’t feel like cooking, I could easily order soup and salad from Panera, and pick it up to feed my family. I could sit at Chipotle and eat a burrito bowl while my son happily devoured guac.

S – Sleep: Thankfully, when my dad died, I never had any issues sleeping. At the end of the day, I always felt so mentally and physically exhausted so I couldn’t wait to slip under the covers. Unfortunately, I know many people that struggle with sleeping after a loved one passes. Sleep is so important for the healing process. For me, I would try to read before bed or meditate. I downloaded an app called Simple Habit and listened to the free meditations while I drifted to sleep. And I would always try to catch up on extra sleep during the weekend.

T – Take Care: During the beginning stages of grief, it is crucial to be kind to yourself. Self care is so important. I signed up to attend GriefShare, and it was a dedicated time for me to focus on my grief and my healing. I had friends who invited me to the movies or to dinner. And even when I necessarily didn’t want to go, I still did and I enjoyed myself. It is okay to put yourself first.

That’s it. Just REST. Give yourself grace and time. You might be frustrated because you want to be doing everything you were doing before. It can wait. Honor yourself, and honor your loved one by leaning into the basics. It might seem like you are in survival mode, and that is okay. You are doing the best you can. You can do this, even when you think you can’t.

On July 18, 2017 – 14 days after my dad’s suicide – I had my first dream about my dad. And this dream has forever changed the way I live my life. 

My Dream

My dad was in my parents’ cheerful, yellow kitchen at their lake house. He was standing in front of the kitchen sink, and was preparing to make some food. A large green bowl that my parents always used for large dishes, such as my mom’s famous Thanksgiving stuffing or my dad’s fan favorite fried walleye, was sitting on the counter.

I stormed into the kitchen and haughtily said to my dad, “Can you believe that mom wants to have a fish fry for all of these people?! Why would she do that? Doesn’t she know that it is a lot of work and money to make fried fish for everybody?”

I was expecting that my dad would have the same indignant response as me. However, he looked at me and said, “Make the fish. The walleye in the freezer will go bad if you don’t use it.”

And that’s it.

My Interpretation

Author Eileen Elias Freeman once stated, “Pay attention to your dreams – God’s angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep.” And for this instance, that quote could not be more true.

Initially, I thought about this dream on a more literal level. I called my mom, shared this dream with her, and asked, “Does dad have fish in the freezer?” And my mom responded, “Yes, actually he has some walleye in the freezer for you. I will give it to you the next time you are here.”

Great, problem solved.

However, one of my best friends had a more metaphorical view of this dream that I think is spot-on.

She mentioned that in many cultures, a fish often symbolizes good luck, good fortune, and a long life. So instead of interpreting the dream from a literal perspective you could view this dream as a call to action.

Make the fish. Live your life to the fullest. If you put off your aspirations until later, your talents will go to waste. Don’t save your resources for a special occasion. The time is now. Share the labor of your fruits. Be generous. You were made for more. Don’t let these blessings expire.

“Live your life to the fullest. If you put off your aspirations until later, your talents will go to waste. Don’t save your resources for a special occasion. The time is now. Share the labor of your fruits. Be generous. You were made for more. Don’t let these blessings expire.” 

Since that time, I think about this dream a lot. When things get tough, when I am restricting myself from experiencing something great, or when I am fearful of making a bold change, I hear my dad’s voice, “Make the fish. The walleye in the freezer will go bad if you don’t use it.”

My Challenge for Our Lives

So that’s what I’ve been doing. Why I decided to make a huge career move when I was thriving in my role, why I created this blog with transparency and vulnerability, and even why I allowed myself to splurge on experiences in the past year such as Taylor Swift pit tickets, a John Legend meet-and-greet, and vacations to Key West and Cozumel.

This is my life. This is your life. These are our lives. And we’ve each only got one.

So how do you want to spend it? Apologizing? Regretting? Questioning? Hating yourself? Hating others? Making yourself small so others around you feel big?

I don’t want to live that way and I don’t think you do, either. Instead, I am challenging myself and others to live big. Act bold. Take risks. Be kind. Be generous.

Make the fish. 

About a year ago, I went to my first grief support group through an organization called GriefShare. This program was truly the life preserver thrown out to save me from drowning in my season of grief. When I tell people about GriefShare – numerous professional counselors, fellow church members, and countless friends/family, nobody is aware of this wonderful group. And I am here to tell you: everyone should know about GriefShare. 

About GriefShare

GriefShare groups meet weekly to help you face these challenges and move toward rebuilding your life. Each GriefShare session has three distinct elements:

Shortly after my dad’s suicide, do you know how many people told me “You need to be strong for those around you?” Too many to count. So, for the first two months I was extremely “strong.” I rarely cried. I helped plan my dad’s memorial service, and I wrote my dad’s obituary. I gave a eulogy in front of a room full of hundreds of people without shedding a tear. I went back to work less than a week afterwards (I received 3 days of bereavement leave from my company…more about that in a separate post).

I was taking impeccable care of my 2-year-old son, oftentimes solo-parenting while my husband was traveling for work. I was managing our household. I was going to counseling.

I am a doer. A fixer. And I would tell myself “I will look forward, not backwards! Look how good I am doing!”

And then I went to this grief support group on a Saturday morning. And as I was watching the weekly video, I started crying. I didn’t want to cry, but I couldn’t control it. I was not sobbing, but my eyes were just slowly spewing tears.

And then we got in a circle and do an activity. And I started crying again! And I was thinking, “Who is this person?! What happened to the strong Misti?!”

From the very beginning, my grief was immense. But I am the type of person that does not show my grief in front of others because I don’t want to be a burden. So…please know that if someone going through grief looks like they have it all together on the outside, on the inside they are probably just a hot mess just like everybody else.

“Please know that if someone going through grief looks like they have it all together on the outside, on the inside they are probably just a hot mess just like everybody else.”

I think this quote from my first day at GriefShare says it best:

GriefShare taught me to be as authentic as possible with my grief and to pray that those around me would help me when I was feeling overwhelmed, and tell me that I was not being a burden.

Here are My Top 5 Reasons to Join GriefShare:

1. Structured Learning About Grief

At a time in my life that was pure chaos, it was a relief to have some structure to follow. During the 13-week session, there was an extremely systematic curriculum about a variety of topics that were always helpful.

2. A Safe Space to Share About Your Loved One

I thought about my dad ALL THE TIME (and still do), but I struggled with nobody ever wanting to talk about him or say his name! I was an open book and desperately craved to tell others about my dad’s death and life, and share stories about him. GriefShare provided an open outlet to share these experiences with others who simply “got it.”  Sharing my stories, listening to other’s stories, and the two-way dialogue helped me heal.

3. Carved Out Time for Yourself

Many times I felt like there was simply no room for grief. Life goes on, even though time stands still. Before GriefShare, I was very bad at making time for myself to just reflect and sit with my grief. It took a concerted effort and commitment to go through GriefShare, but it is the best thing I have ever done for myself. I looked forward to going to the group each week, and I carved out about 15-minutes each night to complete the suggested reading and associated workbook questions.

4. Forged Friendships That Will Last a Lifetime

The biggest benefit to GriefShare was that I created numerous friendships with group members. During the 13-week session, you are sharing so much about yourself and your grief with others, so I feel like it is natural to form strong bonds with those in your group. I felt extremely close to my group leaders, and I made strong connections with two other women in my group. Even though the three of us are at different stages in our lives, and experiences different losses, we had so much in common so we just understood each other on a higher, more emotional, level. A year later, we are still celebrating each other’s birthdays, going to lunch or dinner on a regular basis, and simply sharing our hearts and memories of our lost loved ones with one another. It is a beautiful thing, and I will be forever grateful for these friendships that were initiated by our involvement in GriefShare.

5. Greater Hope for the Future

Through its Christian foundation, GriefShare helped me discover hope for the future. While things looked bleak then, GriefShare helped me learn ways to restore my hope and faith in God. Even if you are thinking to yourself, “I am not a religious person,” I will say that GriefShare isn’t “too religious” or intimidating for someone who doesn’t have a relationship with God yet. Personally, I am much closer to God now than I was before my dad passed away. GriefShare was a great way for me to learn about God’s grace and develop a stronger relationship with Him, and this gave me so much hope and peace for all that is to come after this life.

“Many times I felt like there was simply no room for grief. Life goes on, even though time stands still.”

Interested in Joining a GriefShare Group?

If you are interested in learning more about my experiences with GriefShare, please reach out to me! And if you are interested in joining a GriefShare group, go to https://www.griefshare.org/.

July 4, 2017

As the sun shined into my husband’s childhood bedroom, I woke up to the sound of my two-year-old son, Blake, jumping on the mattress of his crib. I looked at the time on my phone and it was 7:47am. “Wow,” I thought, “I can’t believe I actually got to sleep in on a holiday!”

We stayed up late watching the movie Hidden Figures with our family the night before, and I was grateful for this late start to my day.

“Good Morning! How did my baby sleep?” I chirped to Blake as I lowered him onto the carpet.

“Good” he mustered as he waddled towards his changing table.

I put an episode of Daniel Tiger on my iPhone, lifted him up onto the changing table, and proceeded to change his diaper and put on his festive 4^th of July outfit.

“There you go—now you look ready to party!” I exclaimed and we proceeded down the stairs.

I took my phone away from Blake and put an episode of Arthur on the TV for him while I made my morning coffee and breakfast for Blake. My husband, Aaron, was still in bed sleeping and nobody was up yet, not even the dogs.

It was just a normal, peaceful morning at my in-laws house and looking back, was just the calm before the biggest storm of my life.

“It was just a normal, peaceful morning at my in-laws house and looking back, was just the calm before the biggest storm of my life.”

I chose a K-cup from the carousel, and placed my favorite Harvard Business School mug on the Keurig and selected the largest output possible.

“Why did I not remember to buy one of these when we were in Boston last year for the reunion?” I thought to myself, rather annoyed.

I got an apple juice pouch out of the refrigerator and proceeded to pour Blake a small bowl of Coco Puffs. Blake was casually playing with some Hot Wheels while watching Arthur, so I placed the food and beverage next to him on the carpet.

At that time, my in-laws, Terry and Sue, came down the stairs.

“Good Morning!” I greeted them and asked Blake to do the same.

I walked back into the kitchen to get my coffee, and proceeded to pour some sugar and cream into the hot, black liquid.

As I was talking to Terry and Sue about our potential plans for the day—Should we go to a parade? What time are we going to have a cookout? What time will we head back home today?—I felt the vibration from my FitBit signaling that someone was calling me.

“That is so odd. Who would be calling me this early in the morning? It’s only 8:20am,” I thought to myself.

I reached to get my phone off the kitchen counter and looked at the screen. My phone displayed a 419 area code number and with the city of Bellevue listed. I am no stranger to receiving multiple telemarketer calls a day, and I briefly hesitated, almost declining the call. Then, an ominous feeling came over me that something was wrong. One of my best friends, Tish, is from Bellevue, and I automatically thought that something must have happened to Tish and that one of her family members was calling me.

While I was standing at the kitchen counter, looking into the living room at my son cheerily and nosily playing with cars, I answered the phone.

“Hello,” I answered quietly.

“Is this Misti?” a man asked.

“Yes, it is,” I confusedly replied.

“Misti, my name is Mike and I am a Chaplain with the Marblehead Police Department. Your father is dead. You need to come right away.”

“Misti, my name is Mike and I am a Chaplain with the Marblehead Police Department. Your father is dead. You need to come right away.”

As the man said these words, I leaned my body towards the kitchen counter and placed a hand on my forehead, trying to comprehend.

“I am sorry—who did you say? It is really hard to hear you,” I expressed.

“Your father is dead,” the Chaplain exclaimed.

“My Dad?” I asked.

“Yes.” The Chaplain a matter-of-factly said.

“Are you sure? My Dad?” I asked again, hoping that I misheard him.

This must be a sick joke, how could this be possible? My initial reaction was to grab a pen and notebook of paper, thinking that I probably need to write something down. At this time, Terry and Sue whispered to me “Is everything okay?” as Blake ran over to show me a cool car he found. I shook my hand no and asked my in-laws if they could take Blake away for a couple of minutes. Terry and Sue asked Blake if he wanted to play with his cars on the back porch and he excitedly ran outside to move his cars around their circular patio table—one of his latest obsessions.

Now that Blake was out of the house, I was able to gain additional information from Mike the Chaplain.

“I’m sorry, Mike—my son was in the room with me. You can continue.” I told the man.

“Ma’am, your father is dead. We are here with your mom and she is very upset. We have her hooked up to some machines. Is there anyone that you know who can come over to be with her?” He asked.

“My Aunt Lynn lives right down the road—you can get her! She will be awake!” I exclaimed.

As I was trying to put all these terrible pieces together, I immediately thought that my Dad must have been in a boating accident. As a charter captain, it wouldn’t be uncommon for him to be out on Lake Erie so early in the morning. He just helped fix a jet ski we just bought, so maybe he was out on that early this morning and was in an accident? I just wasn’t sure. At this point, nothing made sense.

“I am sorry, Mike. I am not following this really well. How did my Dad die?” I asked him.

“It looks like he took his own life, Ma’am,” Mike the Chaplain told me. And at that time, the wind was knocked out of me and I knew that I would never be the same again.

“‘It looks like he took his own life, Ma’am,’ Mike the Chaplain told me. And at that time, the wind was knocked out of me and I knew that I would never be the same again.”

At some point during this conversation, Terry ran upstairs to get Aaron out of bed.

“Aaron, something is wrong with Misti’s Dad! You need to come downstairs right now!” he exclaimed.

By the time Aaron came downstairs, I was pacing in my in-laws front yard. I don’t even think that I had shoes on, which is a rarity for me.

“Can I talk to my mom? Does she want to talk to me?” I asked the Chaplain.

“Misti, he’s dead!” My mom shouted into the phone.

“Mom, we are going to get through this. I will be there as soon as I can.” I calmly told her.

“Misti, you don’t need to come up here. He’s dead, there’s nothing you can do to change it! He isn’t coming back!” My mom sobbed.

“Mom, of course I am coming. I just need to get ready and I will be there. I love you.” I wearily stated and hung up the phone.

What seemed like an eternity was actually 9 minutes in duration.

9 minutes.

That is all the time it it took to change my life forever.