Seasons of Lives

This is the second Christmas season without my dad. I intended to write many blog posts between Thanksgiving and Christmas, but to be honest, I just haven’t been in the writing mood.

Many people say that the second holiday season without a loved one is the hardest, and now I completely agree. Last year, Christmas came five months after my dad’s suicide and the reality of this permanence hadn’t set in for me yet. Sure, I knew that my dad was gone forever but I was honestly still in shock. It takes time for the frozen feeling of grief to melt and then you are left with a puddle of sadness for all that will never be.

“It takes time for the frozen feeling of grief to melt and then you are left with a puddle of sadness for all that will never be.”

Fast forward a year later, everything this Christmas season reminds me of my dad and it is a lot to handle emotionally.

The Grinch? We watched that together.

Taking Blake sledding? My dad will never get to see that pure joy on my son’s face.

Making my dad’s favorite holiday recipes? Wow – I never thought that I would be the one making them at the young age of 30.

Although I try to be positive and make the most out of a terrible situation, I admit, there are times that are pretty unbearable. Oftentimes, I carry my dad and this sadness with me everywhere I go—I can feel the heartache in every corner of my being, and deep down in my soul. I think expressing these feelings with others is really important, because it may look like I have it all together on the outside, but on the inside I am absolutely devastated.

“I can feel the heartache in every corner of my being, and deep down in my soul. I think expressing these feelings with others is really important, because it may look like I have it all together on the outside, but on the inside I am absolutely devastated.”

I thought I had so many more Christmases left with my dad. And now I don’t.

To comfort myself, I recently have been thinking about what Christmas must be like in Heaven. I am sure it is an extraordinary event, and I think about my dad sitting around a table of all our lost loved ones with so much peace and joy. I think about that image when I start to feel sad.

On Friday, I went to lunch with my dear friend Alyssa. It was so great to catch up about our careers, children, and life in general. At the end of our lunch, she handed me a Christmas present and I did the same. I drove home, got back to work, and then a couple hours later I remembered that I hadn’t opened my gift yet.

As I pulled out the tissue paper, I saw a red lantern, and I thought “Wow, this is so nice and festive!” Then, I turned the lantern around and discovered that there was a little Christmas tree, packages, a rocking chair and a candle inside.

Then, I burst into tears.

And keep in mind, I probably hadn’t cried in a month. I have just been in a place where I have been so frozen in grief that even my tears were icy.

“I have just been in a place where I have been so frozen in grief that even my tears were icy.”

On the lantern, Alyssa inscribed a beautiful poem about Christmas in Heaven. She is so creatively talented, and made this lantern all my herself. I was so touched by her thoughtfulness and generosity. I will cherish this lantern for the rest of my life, and I am so grateful for Alyssa, her friendship, and her Godly heart.

The Poem Inscribed on the Lantern

Christmas in Heaven

What do they do?

They come down to earth to spend it with you.

So leave them a seat,

Just one empty chair.

You may not see them,

But they will be there.

-Author Unknown

My Christmas Wish for You

If you are grieving the loss of a loved one this Christmas, I pray that God is near to help you carry on traditions that keep your loved one’s memory alive. I pray that you find comfort in family and friends, and that you can lean on one another during the ups and downs of the holiday season. And when those inevitable tears come, I hope that you can be vulnerable enough to embrace the tears and realize that it takes strength to admit when we are weak. And I hope that we always remember that although our loved ones are gone, they still exist in a happy, more peaceful state with God, yet are always connected to us through love.

Fish On,

Misti

When someone you know (or even yourself) is grieving during the holidays, you might be compelled to provide the perfect gift that will pay homage to a lost loved one.

This was especially true for me. I thought about my dad all the time (and I still do), love having keepsakes that remind me of him.

Here are four gift ideas for someone in grief

T-Shirt Blanket (projectrepat.com)

My dad ALWAYS wore hilarious T-shirts, and had a huge collection of them. When my dad passed away, I had T-shirt blankets made for my mom, my brother, and me. My mom and brother were so touched by this intimate gift. My T-shirt blanket provides me a lot of comfort when I am missing my dad.

I purchased the T-shirt blankets from Project Repat, and I was highly satisfied with their timely services and the quality of the product. They have a great mission, too!

Personalized Ring (lisaleonard.com)

After I had my son, I had a ring created with my son’s name. When my dad passed away, I wanted to get a ring created with his name as well. I wear this ring every day, and I love looking at it and thinking about my dad and all the great memories we created together.

Thumbprint Necklace (picturesongold.com)

My best friend gave me a necklace with my dad’s thumbprint on it. I didn’t even realize that the funeral home captured my dad’s fingerprints. She contacted the funeral home and they sent her the images. She gave me this gift for Christmas, and I was so surprised and touched. I will always remember this act of kindness. I wear this necklace on most days, and touching the fingerprint makes me feel like my dad is always close to me.

Carson 44 in. Sonnet Heaven’s Tears Wind Chimes (various retailers)

One of my good friends gave me these wind chimes in memory of my dad. I have the wind chimes hanging on our front porch, and whenever it is windy outside, the chimes ring and I think about my dad. I have given away these wind chimes as gifts to loved ones during the past year, and they have always been a well-received gift.

I hope these gift ideas are helpful!

What are some other gifts you have given or received to remember a lost loved one? I am always looking for suggestions!

Fish On,

Misti

Exactly a year ago, I was in the midst of the first holiday season without my dad. This year was the biggest shock, and honestly, I was still learning to adjust. The Grief Share support group that I completed taught me many things about grieving, and specifically that while I will never “move on” I must move forward. While I was trying my best to do that, the weight of my grief was be oppressive at times, especially with the added stress of the holidays, working full-time, and maintaining a stable household for a small child.

One of the assignments for Grief Share was to write a Grief Letter to friends, family, and co-workers in order to:

1. Describe my experience and my feelings
2. Let loved ones and coworkers know what they can expect from me
3. Tell them what they can do and say that I would find comforting and share what is not comforting
4. List specific, practical needs they can help with

This Grief Letter was on my to-do list for months, and the holiday season sparked my motivation to share with my family, friends and co-workers in a deeper way. And writing my Grief Letter was one of the best things I ever did for my grief.

“Writing my Grief Letter was one of the best things I ever did for my grief.” 

To describe my feelings, I created Misti’s Top 10 List of Grieving. I also attached the beginning of my “Grief Story” for my loved ones and coworkers to read. This was another activity that was part of Grief Share. I intend on adding more to this story when I feel up to it, and I hoped that sharing this helps my loved ones understand my version of what transpired on July 4th (that letter is in an earlier blog post).

My Grief Letter: Misti’s Top 10 List of Grieving

1. I apologize if I have seemed a little stand-offish lately: That is definitely not my intention and most certainly not directed towards anyone in particular. I am still trying to navigate through my grief—while I think that I have a lot of good days, sometimes I have bad days. I am sure that can be confusing and at times off-putting to others. I really do apologize if I hurt your feelings if I didn’t have a complete conversation with you or if I seemed really distracted if you tried to reach out to me. It’s not you, it’s me…seriously.
2. Please be patient with me: It’s been almost 5 months since my dad’s death, and I am sure you might be thinking “why are you not over this yet?” Trust me, I wish I was. But, this is probably something I will not get over—I will just learn how to live without him and to live with “what is” versus struggling with the “whys” and “what ifs.”  Also—it has been almost 5 months, but I really think I was in shock for the first 3 months. I helped plan my dad’s funeral, gave a eulogy in front of a room full of people, and have been helping my mom with many logistics that death entails. In those first few months—I was too busy to even have the irrevocability of this situation settle in. Now, I feel like I am finally getting to the point where I am realizing the permanence of this loss and when I take the time to comprehend what is actually transpiring, it is absolutely devastating to me. So…please be patient if I am still a bit “stuck” in my grief at times. I am working through it, I promise.
3. I am on an emotional roller coaster: I am the typical “Hero Child” (look it up if you want a good definition of me), and ultimately, I am just longing for the approval of others. I have always been an overachiever who is good at everything, and I want to be good at losing my dad as well. I am trying SO HARD to hold myself together, and to do everything right. To do this, I push things away and then at some point it just builds up into a point where I start hysterically crying. Currently, this happens about once a week. I realize that this is NOT healthy, and I am working on handling my emotions in a manageable way. I apologize in advance if I cry at a really random time. I have probably been holding back tears for hours, and I was trying really hard to not cry, and it just happened. In the event that this happens in front of you (odds are that it won’t since I hate crying in front of others), please hand me a tissue—tell me it is okay, and let me ugly cry in private. Please do not act like I am not crying—that makes me feel invisible or unimportant and/or annoying to you. Once I gain my composure, I will be ready to reengage in our conversation. Just please ignore my puffy eyes and red nose—those will be there for a while.
4. The holiday season is making me EXTREMELY emotional: Beware: I am hyper-sensitive right now, and I do not handle conflict or stress well currently. I am not proud of this, but because you are important to me, I just want to let you know. Please be really nice to me: tell me I did a good job, compliment my Christmas cards or cookies, or that you like my new shirt and think that I am having a good hair day (if applicable and warranted).
5. If you are thinking of me, please let me know: Death can be awkward, and especially when someone is dealing with a traumatic tragedy like a suicide. I get it—not many people know what to say when others are going through a loss, and you might be afraid that if you do say something that it will come off wrong or it might not be the right thing to say. From my perspective, I have been rather lonely and feeling like people have forgotten about me and “moved on” or that they don’t even care to know how I am feeling. Maybe you are thinking about me, but you are asking my husband, close family, or best friend how I am doing instead of asking me directly. If that is the case, I probably don’t even know that you asked about my situation or if so, it makes me sad that you do not feel comfortable specifically asking me. The next time you are thinking of me, instead of asking someone else how I am doing or being worried about saying the wrong thing, please consider sending me a text message or email to say “I was thinking of you. How are you doing today?” It is also okay for you to just say “I literally don’t know what to say, but I wanted to let you know that my heart still hurts for you.” If you don’t feel like talking, I always love receiving cards in the mail. And sometimes a hug or a pat on the shoulder can mean more than words can say.
6. My loss is only one part of my life: I want to interact with others, and my dad dying is only one sliver of the pie chart of my daily thoughts and interests. If you don’t want to chat about my loss, I also like to talk about: TV (This is Us, Grey’s Anatomy, Designated Survivor, Modern Family, Blackish), movies (I really want to see Wonder, and love Christmas movies), Taylor Swift, sports (Ohio State!), books and random current events. I also love playing games like Euchre, Yahtzee, and Catch Phrase.
7. Do not expect me to make the first move: I know I am usually the first to initiate things (making plans, texting, etc.)  but that has not been me lately. From my perspective, I feel like nobody wants to be around me because I am “damaged goods” or that I am not fun to be around. Currently, it is really hard for me to initiate things with others because I don’t want people to do things with me simply because they feel sorry for me. If you feel inclined, I would love to receive invitations to lunch, a walk or various holiday events. Even if I don’t feel up to attending, I sincerely appreciate the offer more than you know.
8. I hate asking for help: I have always been very independent and I hate asking for help. Usually, this is because I really don’t know what type of help I should be asking for. So…If you have been thinking, “I wonder if Misti would like help with X, Y, and Z” the answer will always be “Yes.” Do you want to take Blake to Chik-Fil-A so I can wrap gifts? Yes! Do you want to help put our Christmas cards into envelopes and mail out? Yes! Do you want to spend time with my Mom so I don’t worry that she is alone? That would be great! Do you want to invite us to dinner? We love to eat! (Not that I am trying to get you to help me—this are just suggestions if you feel so inclined.)
9. Talk to me about my dad: I think about my dad all the time, and I would love to share stories about him! I am an open book and I would eagerly tell you about his death and answer any questions that you may have. Don’t feel like you are burdening me if you ask me how I am doing, or if you had a thought you want to share. It probably won’t make me burst into tears, and if it does…so what?! Your questions, stories and dialogue help me heal. It would hurt me so much if you avoid speaking his name (Kendall). There is meaning in my dad’s life and I will find meaning in his death.
10. Talk to me about you: I still want to know what is going on in your life. I know that I am not special and that everyone is always going through something. If you used to come to me for advice, you still can. If you have a funny story, please share it with me—I could really use a good laugh! If you need assistance with a survey, a resume or anything else—please ask. I would love to help and I would like to still be part of your life. I want to be there for you, just like how you are there for me.

The Result

Writing a Grief Letter was a great way for me to collect my feelings in an effective way. Even if I wouldn’t have shared my Grief Letter, the process of writing was beneficial for my healing. I was nervous to be so vulnerable about my feelings and needs. As I pressed send on those emails, my heart was racing. However, I am SO GLAD I shared!

I received so many heartfelt messages back from my family, friends, and coworkers. One friend invited me to brunch and a movie. My sister-in-law sent me a daily devotional and included an inspirational note. Many friends and family attended a Remembrance Ceremony with me after I wrote my Grief Letter. During Christmas, many people talked with me about Taylor Swift, and my mother-in-law bought Yahtzee for us to play as a family.

“People in your life love you and are hurting for you, and they simply just don’t know what to do or say. And although it takes some active effort on your part, if you want support that is most effective for you, then it is your responsibility to communicate your feelings, what will help you, and what won’t.”

I am a firm believer that people in your life love you and are hurting for you, and they simply just don’t know what to do or say. And although it takes some active effort on your part, if you want support that is most effective for you, then it is your responsibility to communicate your feelings, what will help you, and what won’t. Everybody grieves differently, and you are the only person who knows what is best for you.

If you find this Grief Letter helpful, please feel free to use it as a template for your own Grief Letter. I am praying for you this holiday season.

Fish On,

Misti

I would like to share a story in case it might bring some comfort to others during the holiday season.

Last year, I had an odd thing happen to me the night before Thanksgiving. I think it was real, but maybe it was a dream. I had a really restless night. With Thanksgiving approaching, I had been very anxious and unpredictability emotional. I had been dreading this first major holiday without my Dad and I kept telling myself “I can’t do this.”

Around 2am, I woke up to go to the bathroom. I looked down at my Fitbit and there was a message on it. (For those who don’t own a Fitbit: Messages can pop up for texts or sometimes it will message you when you have been inactive, when you take it off the charger, etc.)

The Fitbit read: “You can do this.”

I really think it was a message from my Dad. I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but in the Grief Share support group I went through, we learned about “miracle moments” and I truly think this was my miracle moment from my dad. Since then, when I start freaking out or feeling myself spiraling into an emotional mess, I just keep telling myself “You can do this. You CAN do this!”

“Since then, when I start freaking out or feeling myself spiraling into an emotional mess, I just keep telling myself ‘You can do this. You CAN do this!'”

So, for everyone who is going through something – a devastating loss, a traumatic change, a type of doubt – during this holiday season, I hope you are able to find an inner voice telling you that “You can do this!” as well.

It seems impossible, but somehow, with the passage of time, faithful family and fantastic friends, and the power of God, we will all get through whatever valley we are facing. Because “You can do this.”

Thornton Wilder once said, “The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude.”

During this Thanksgiving, while my grief is still extremely raw and constantly with me, I have so much gratitude towards my Dad and to all those who have helped me through this darkest time in my life. Thank you.

Fish On,

Misti

There is something about food that evokes so many emotions.

My dad was always the one who stirred mom mom’s famous stuffing. Last year, since my dad wasn’t there, my husband was the one who stirred the stuffing. When I saw him helping my mom, tears started welling up in my eyes. “This is not right!” I thought to myself. And I sadly knew that holidays would never be the same again.

Every year, my dad would make a few of his fan favorite dishes for the holiday season. Last year, I wasn’t able to make any of them. It was just too emotional. But this year, I am going to try.

Here are 3 of my dad’s favorite recipes to make during the holiday season.

KP’s Easy Cheese Bowl

Hands down one of the easiest and yummiest recipes to serve at your next holiday party! This easy cheese bowl recipe is always a huge hit! Many people made a “cheese ball” but my dad said it wasn’t worth the effort to shape into a bowl, hence why he made a “cheese bowl.”

Ingredients

• 16 ounces cream Philadelphia cream cheese (softened)
• 1/4 cup green onions (chopped fine)
• 1 package Budding’s beef, finely chopped
• Salt & pepper to taste
• 1 package Ritz crackers, for serving

Instructions

1. Hand mix all ingredients until smooth.
2. Scoop into bowl that has a lid. Refrigerate for at least one hour.
3. Remove cheese bowl from fridge, and serve with crackers. Enjoy!
4. Place cheese ball on a platter with crackers and serve. Enjoy!

Simple Sweet Potato Casserole

This recipe entered my dad’s repertoire when I was a teenager. I always helped him make it, and it was so easy! This recipe also heats up well, so it’s perfect for leftovers!

Ingredients

• 1 can (40oz) Bruce’s Yams, drained
• 1 tub Kraft Jet Puffed Marshmallow Fluff
• 1 small package pecans, chopped
• 1 stick of butter, melted

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350º F.
2. Mix yams, butter, and marshmallow fluff with electric mixer until smooth.
3. Mix in half of the pecans into the mixture by hand.
4. Cook for 30-35 minutes until brown. Cool, serve, and enjoy!

Captain Kendall’s Sweet Tea

My dad ALWAYS made this sweet tea! If it was warm out – sweet tea. If we were having a holiday part – sweet tea. If I was home from college – sweet tea. Even though I don’t consume many sweetened beverages as an adult, I MUST make his favorite beverage this holiday season.

Ingredients

• 6 Luzianne Iced Tea Bags
• 16oz water, to boil
• 2 cups sugar
• 3 quarts cold water

Instructions

1. Boil 16 oz of water on stove.
2. Remove from heat, and steep the 6 tea bags in the hot water about 5 minutes.
3. Pour into a pitcher, and add sugar. Stir well.
4. Add cold water to the mixture. Stir well.
5. Serve over ice, and enjoy!

I am hoping that by making these three recipes this Thanksgiving, I will be able to hold onto the memories that my dad and I recreated during all those years of cooking together.

What are some dishes that remind you of your loved one? Are you making those recipes this holiday season?

Fish on,

Misti

Today, I want to share about how to remember your lost loved one this holiday season. I know for me, and many others, it is very important to do and oftentimes difficult to develop creative ways to do so.

My solution: light a remembrance candle

I did a lot of research on this last year and I found solution that was right for our family. I lit a candle in memory of my dad, and I placed it in the center of the dining room table and told everybody why the candle was lit. The candle that I have is a personalized pillar candle that reads, “This candle burns in loving memory of Captain Kendall Parsley, who is forever in our hearts.” And whenever I light this candle, I think about my dad and I know that he is forever with me.

“This candle burns in loving memory of Captain Kendall Parsley, who is forever in our hearts.”

Here are 4 other ways to remember your lost loved one during the holidays

1. Say a special blessing: we always like to say a prayer before eating, especially at Thanksgiving. My mom said a really beautiful blessing last year right before Thanksgiving dinner and I lead the prayer for Christmas dinner. We both said something similar like, “Dear Lord, thank you for bringing all of us together on this special day. We are thankful for the love around us, the family before us, and the love between us. We want to acknowledge loved ones who are not physically at this table today, specifically (insert loved ones names here). While we may struggle to understand, we know that you have a perfect plan, and we continue to lean on you during our time of sadness. Amen.”
2. Leave a seat open for your loved one: While I didn’t do this, I know others who physically leave a seat open for their departed loved one.
3. Make your loved one’s favorite dish: My dad always made a couple of his signature recipes for Thanksgiving. So last year, my mom and I were sure to make my dad’s sweet tea, cheese bowl, and sweet potato casserole. (Recipes to come tomorrow.)
4. Set aside some time for yourself: It will be a roller coaster of a day for you, and it is imperative to set aside some time for yourself. In the morning, I remember taking a couple of minutes to journal. And later in the day, I just couldn’t be at my mom’s house anymore, it was too hard for me, and so my husband, son and I left. Giving yourself permission to be alone is gold.

What ways have you remembered your lost loved one during the holidays? I would love to hear what has helped you!

Fish On,

Misti

For anyone who has lost a loved one, the holidays can be an extremely emotional time. Holidays can evoke even the deepest emotions that you have buried for far too long (guilty!). Oftentimes, I think the mentality can be to simply survive the holidays.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. It is a time of year in which you can spend time with loved ones without the hustle, bustle, and stress that Christmas can bring. My dad worked in a warehouse for 40 years, and he was always stressed out and so tired because he worked so much overtime during the holiday season. But Thanksgiving was always a happy time before the Christmas season kicked off the next day. My parents oftentimes hosted Thanksgiving, and my mom, dad and I were a well-oiled machine. My mom would be the head chef and my dad and I her soux chefs. She told us what to do, and my dad would stir the stuffing and cut up all the staples, while I set the table and made desserts. I  have so many great memories of Thanksgiving at our house.

And because of this, I was so nervous for my first Thanksgiving without my dad, and to be honest I am anxious just thinking about this Thanksgiving which is only a couple days away.

Here are 3 suggestions on how to survive the holidays from my experience:

1. Establish a plan: Even though you might not stick to it, I think it is important to establish a plan for that day. In your mind, think about what you will be doing at every step of the day. It might even be helpful to write it down. If you are able to visualize the day in your mind, it can help you not get caught off guard.
2. Prepare what you’re going to say: Now, there will probably be some people who will ask you about your loved one. And it can be helpful to practice what you are going to say and how you want that conversation to go. For instance, if someone asked me about my dad, I could say, “Thank you for asking about my dad. He really loved Thanksgiving, and we had so many great memories together on this day, so I am a little emotional thinking about that.” Now, there will also be people who will NOT ask about your loved one and that might evoke some negative emotions. I truly think people aren’t trying to be mean, they simply don’t want to cause you anymore pain or don’t know what to say. If you would like to talk about your loved one, and nobody has brought up your loss to you, I would probably say something like, “I am sure we are all thinking about it, and I just wanted to mention that I am thinking about my dad a lot and I am really thankful to all of you for your love and support during this sad time.” This will give your loved ones an opportunity to say something that they might have been thinking.
3. Leave yourself an out: In the morning, you might feel like you want to be around loved ones and then once you’re at a holiday party something could trigger you and you want to change your mind. If that happens to you, know that is very normal. I say, hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Maybe you drive separately so you can leave whenever you want. Then you don’t feel stuck and you know you are in charge. Or, if someone invites you for a holiday event you can say, “Please loosely hold this invitation for me. I would love to come, and appreciate the invite, but I am not sure how I will feel until the day comes.”

If you have some other suggestions on how to survive the holidays, I would love to hear them!

Fish On,

Misti

About Survivor Day

My Story

I thought it would be best to share my story of healing and hope through a video.

My Wish for You

If you have lost someone to suicide, please know that you are not alone. It can be hard to share your story, but I have found sharing to be such a healing process. My dad’s legacy lives through me, and I am honored to have the responsibility of ensuring that while there was meaning in his life, there will be meaning in his death as well.

“It can be hard to share your story, but I have found sharing to be such a healing process.”

And if you know someone who has been through a suicide loss, my wish is that you are able to be a good listener of the stories your loved one wants to tell. A caring friend or family member can make a world of difference.

Fish On,

Misti